


Insecurity

by 11thDoctorWhoDestiel



Series: Better Days [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Minor Castiel/Original Male Character(s), Original Character(s), Out of Character, destiel au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-15
Updated: 2016-05-15
Packaged: 2018-06-08 16:42:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6863965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/11thDoctorWhoDestiel/pseuds/11thDoctorWhoDestiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel and Dean have been happily dating for 6 years and been married for 2 of them, thats why Castiel thinks nothing of it as Dean starts to act different around him until he finds Dean's diary...</p><p>Trigger Warnings: self-harm.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Insecurity

**Author's Note:**

> This was Inspired by a fic that I read a long time ago and i thought why not write a similar one but with Destiel. 
> 
> trigger warning
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments! :)

Castiel notices there’s something wrong with Dean pretty quickly. It all first started with little things Dean would do and the way he acts strange around him. He doesn’t actually thinks anything about it and blows it off. It all changed when Dean went out the house with Sam more often and most of the time he didn’t even came home at night. Its like he can’t stand to be in Castiel’s presence and wants to get away from him.

What made Castiel really start to get a little worried when at night in the bed, Dean curls up on his own side of the bed in the tightest little ball he can manage, and he doesn’t even relax when Castiel tries to wrap him up in his embrace. Usually, Dean is being the big spoon and always holding Castiel close until they both fall asleep but lately its been like everything is falling apart. The real problem is that Dean doesn’t talk to him.

Dean always tries to talk to figure things out, but whatever’s bothering him now is so big that he doesn’t want to talk. Castiel doesn’t think it’s anything he’s been doing right? He thinks of all the things he could have done to make Dean pull away like that but finds nothing. Castiel decides to wait for Dean to come to him, as he always has in the 6 years they’ve been together and the two years they’ve been married. It’s been a great two years, until Castiel got all sulky and weird.

A few days after Dean started to pull away Castiel started to talk with a guy from his History class. So what he has been texting Jason nonstop and meeting him for coffee every day. They’re just friends. Dean was allowed to have gay male friends and go out with them  so why not Castiel?

Castiel shrugs Deans weird behaviour off and picks up his phone to text Jason. He reads over their conversations, smiling at the little flirty messages. It’s harmless fun. It’s always harmless.

_Jason: You should wear those white jeans tomorrow on our coffee date_

_Cas: Why?_

_Jason: Because they make your ass look fantastic. An ass that fantastic deserves to be seen, baby_

_Cas: Hmmm I’ll think about it. I do love to show off_

_Jason: And I love it when you show off for me ;)_

Jason is handsome. He stands just as tall as Dean and he has wavy brown hair and big brown eyes. He’s fit, with a great six pack and strong shoulders and a thick, muscled waist. He looks like an Adonis. Castiel is allowed to notice but he would never touch because he has Dean who he saves all his urges for, Dean who will always be the most handsome in his eyes. Even his abs have turned into a soft little peachy tummy. Dean who’s eyes are the most beautiful green Castel has ever seen and the deep voice that can make Castiel fall to his knees.

The only problem is that the more silent Dean gets, the more Castiel feels like he’s pulling away. Like he’s disinterested in Castiel and well Jason is so…interested in everything he is doing and saying, He’s always giving Castiel attention, He’s always taking him shopping and buying him coffee and giving him these little suggestive glances that make Castiel feel sexy and happy in ways that Dean has sort of stopped doing. Castiel doesn’t love Jason and he probably never will but sometimes the attention feels good. 

It goes on for months his emotional affair, 7 months, to be exact. It takes seven months before Castiel walks into the bedroom to find Dean hastily putting a little brown book into his nightstand drawer and tossing Castiel’s phone back to where it had been on the other side of the bed, acting like he’d never touched it. Dean hurries out of the room looking like he is going to be sick and suddenly Castiel finds himself back in high school, back then it had been Balthazar, Castiel had been filling his emotional void with Balthazar’s flirty texts while Dean quietly pulled further and further away from him. There had been a reason, back then. And there was likely a reason now so without any further thoughts Castiel cuts Jason off. He tells him no more shopping, no more coffee dates, and he stops replying to his messages before eventually deleting and blocking his number all together.

He spends his free time at home with Dean, which only makes Him notice Dean hiding things and tugging at the sleeves of his shirt like an almost nervous tick. He notices Dean’s botched attempt hiding bruises that show up on his shoulders and everytime he asks Dean about it he says it happened while working on a car. One morning while Dean went already to work, Castiel sits up in bed and opens Dean’s nightstand and pulling out the little brown book which he is damn sure is Dean’s diary. He flips it open and scans the entries and when he lands on one from just over six months ago and begins to read, his heart nearly stops.

**_This morning I cooked breakfast for me and Cas and I made him coffee but he said no and just left! He never goes to his Classes without drinking coffee and eating breakfast. So I followed him. I know it was wrong to follow him, Cas deserves his privacy but ever since he started texting this Jason guy he’s been gone out much more. I had to investigate, I discreetly followed him to the coffee shop where he met up with this stupidly tall, handsome guy and guess what they ordered coffee and breakfast! They talked for an hour. An_ _ hour _ _! When was the last time Cas and I talked for an hour?_ **

Castiel isn’t sure whether to feel angry or hurt by this but in the end its panic that he feels because Dean knows, he had known all this time. With shaking hands Castiel flips ahead a few pages to read on.

 __ _**Cas has been meeting Jason every day. I don’t understand it, we’ve been together this long and yeah maybe we only been married two years but why is he looking for something in another guy? What am I doing wrong? Am I so bad at this that Cas is regretting marrying me? I read in one of these stupid magazines that if couples don’t make it to at least 3 years of marriage they weren’t meant to be. It would be the best if I won’t say anything. I won’t do anything to make him angry or hate me any more. I’ll just let him have his space to work this out and he’ll come back to me…hopefully.** _

Okay, so that was a little heartbreaking to read. Castiel bites his lip and feels tears starting to burn his eyes but he flips ahead to keep reading.

 __ _**I don’t know what to do anymore. It hurts so much every time Cas leaves the house, I know he’s going to see him and smile and be happy. Every time Cas is on the phone, he’s texting him. It’s time for me to face the facts, I am a failure of a husband! I can’t give Castiel what he needs and now he found it somewhere else. I wish I was strong enough to just file for divorce or something but I love him too much, I love him so much I’m going to let him have this, I let him be happy. I’m failing him and he deserves better so if better is Jason then I hope Cas is happy cause that’s all I want for him.** _

A tear falls on the page of Dean’s diary, soaking into the horrible and sad words he wrote down. Castiel feels like throwing up, he knew something was up with Dean all along but he had always pushed it away and said it was about Dean but now he knows its been his fault and the guilt is sitting deep in his stomach. His Strong and Confident Dean has been hurting inside all this time and he just ignored it, not Dean was the failure it was him. He wipes his eyes and skips a few pages ahead.

_**He doesn’t even look at me anymore or touch me. It hurts so much to look at him and all I see is him happy with that other guy and miserable unhappy with me. I’m so stupid and selfish for keeping him here when all I do is fail at giving him what he needs. I’m sure Coming home to me must be torture for him. and being forced to share this house with me while he actually want to share it with someone else. ~~I got the divorce papers today but I cant sign them and then give them to Cas so I ripped them apart.~~ I just can’t. I wish I could make this easier on him but I’m too weak. I lost the love of my life, I lost him…** _

Castiel has to shut the book for a minute, It’s too much for him to take in. How could he have not seen it? He wipes his eyes furiously then reads on because he has to know what comes next. What other pain has he caused Dean?

_**I’m feeling empty now all the pain is gone. I feel this hollow ache in my chest where all the sadness and hurt used to be. I should feel something but it’s just empty. I don’t even know what sadness is anymore. All I see is my beautiful Angel  happy in the arms of someone else and I am a failure of a husband. I punished myself today, So I took the blade out of my razor and brought it to my skin…** _

_**It hurt but its how it should be right? its supposed to hurt. I wrapped it up and felt the pain all day and when it began to dull, I would just press against it and the ache would come back. Sam was mad at me for it but he doesn't know but I'm sure that if he would know he would understand.** _

He drops the book to the floor, his hands are shaking so bad. Dean.  _His_  Dean has hurt himself? The tears spilled full on now, falling down his face in a cascading salty waterfall. He leans down and picks up the book again and hugs it close to himself.

He doesn’t know how long he has been sitting there like this crying of how much he hurt Dean.

“Cas? Hey what’s wrong?” Dean’s voice startles Castiel but Dean doesn’t seems to notice and takes the crying Castiel in to his arms and rubs his back in comfort. After a few minutes Castiel calmed down enough and slowly sits back on the bed and lays the diary on his lap without looking up. Deans’s eyes go wide when he sees what Castiel is holding.

“I’m…I’m so sorry…” Castiel looks at his husbands heartbroken and scared face and how his beautiful green eyes fill with tears.

“No,” Dean shakes his head. “No, you weren’t supposed to read that. It’s…you shouldn’t have seen it!”

With that Dean falls to his knees and starts crying. Castiel is up and by his side in a flash and try to comfort him but Dean is shrinking away from him. It’s heartbreaking to see his husband trying to hide from him but too exhausted to actually run but Castiel didn’t gave up and put his arms around Dean and held him until he calmed down.

“A couple days ago I realized things had gotten really out of hand and I was leading him on, so I told him to stop texting me and meeting with me and I deleted his number. He was starting to try to get physical and I realized it was cheating. It had been cheating all along and I’m so  _so_  sorry,” Castiel admits. It feels weird to admit he had been cheating on Dean but he hopes they can move on now that he has.

“You weren’t sleeping with him already?” asks Dean softly, his voice shaky.

Castiel kisses Dean’s head and answers “No, I would have never slept with him”

“I’m so sorry Cas” sobs Dean suddenly. It catches Castiel off guard “I’m so sorry I failed you and that, that I made you feel like you had to find someone else. I’ll do anything for you. Anything! I’ll work harder and I’ll cook for you every meal you want and I’ll make sure you have every extra penny we can scrounge up so I can take you shopping and tell you everything you try on makes you look beautiful because it does and I’ll go to the gym every day. Twice a day! I’ll make myself look better. I’ll get rid of my stupid fat and I know it won’t be good enough but I’ll  _try_ …”

Castiel squeezes his hands tight. “Dean, Dean!” He tries to snap him out of his sobbing rambling. “I never for one second loved anyone other than you, the attention was nice but it never once occurred to me to leave you. You are the love of my life and that alone means you give me something that no one else could and I am so so sorry if I ever once gave you the impression that you’re not the most amazing husband on this planet. Please forgive me for making you feel that way…”

Dean nods without hesitation.

“Of course.”

“I don’t want you to change. I don’t want you to work harder or go to the gym to work out obsessively. The only thing I care about is you being healthy and happy with me.” Castiel speaks as softly and tenderly as he can while touching any part of his precious husband that he can.

“I swear to you, Dean. We’re gonna grow old together in this house and we will sit on the couch while you watch TV and I read my books I promise you that nothing you do could make me leave you unless you want me to”

Dean lifts himself from Castiel’s shoulder just enough so that they’re face to face. “I love you Cas” with that they both lean forward into a deep and needy kiss.

Once the kiss is broken they both look at each other with small smiles. “Hey Dean?” Castiel says and looks Dean in the eyes.

“Yes Angel?” Castiel lets out a small chuckle “I think this is enough chick flick for at least 5 years” Dean lets out a loud surprised laugh which soon turns out to both of them laughing and Castiel knows that everything is going to be alright.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it! 
> 
> if i made any mistakes please let me know :)


End file.
